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  • Writer's pictureMaria C Colon-Gonzalez

Sick Love

Love has been searching.

Yet love has not been found.

Love has led me to many.

Yet love has not been found.

Love, perhaps, is a feeling.

Love can be my melody in the sky.

Love is a person I have yet to find.

Love has been the cry of my soul

And endless search, full of pain and tears.

Love has led me to the wrong arms of yet more harm.

In the search, I have become the one I am not

And to this day, I have yet to know who I truly am.

I just wanted to be loved, desired, and sought after.

My love thirsted for human connection, yet it drank from rejection.

I play the game of becoming to receive your love, yet your love led me to drink my tears.

I offered my body, yet it was not enough.

I biked, yet it was not enough.

I fished, yet it was not enough.

No matter what I did or became, I could not find a love that would stay—the bittersweet taste of never being enough.

This girl did not receive the touch of love.

This girl did not receive the protection of love.

Love meant fear and performance,

and this girl did not learn a better love.

My heart would beat faster whenever I was chosen.

Finally, to be loved and wanted.

Finally, to be seen and given water to my soul.

Yet I have lost my love and my soul, and

I have to find myself now before I find love again.

Perhaps, my new love for my new soul won't be a sick love.

May I now learn to drink from authenticity

May I now learn not to seek love

I now drink for the fountain of life

My soul is transformed, and so does my love

So today, I hold hands with myself and walk this sweet path of love.

The ups and downs of this hike

I look at the girl in the mirror, smiling and laughing; I know love is real.

I hold your hand and walk by your side, my dear. You are not alone, my dear.

No more fear, no more performance

You are free to live authentically and be loved by the one person that does not fear.

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